


Loki- This is Love

by Skellyagogo



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Female reader insert, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22147582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skellyagogo/pseuds/Skellyagogo
Summary: It always boils down to never feeling worthy enough for love doesn’t it? No matter the wrongs you right, you can never really stop that nagging doubt inside.
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57





	Loki- This is Love

  


  
*****************

I don’t know why I expected anything else, something always came along and ruined everything. Tonight was no different, only the destroyers of my desire for fun came with names this time, Thor and Mjolnir. That giant labrador of an Asgardian refused to go anywhere without that damned hammer and that cockiness of his managed to sabotage the whole night in one fumble of his fingers.

“I have NEVER been so embarrassed in my life!” I growled stomping soaking wet towards my room with Thor hot on my trail.

“I’m sorry, I truly am. I didn’t mean to spoil your fun Y/n.” he was sincere in his words, but I didn’t care, he wasn’t the one that went crashing through the ice into freezing waters. I was just glad I was the only one on the ice when it happened.

“It wasn’t just me Thor, there were kids there waiting in line to get on the ice.” I turned to face him scowling mad, furrowed brows that made him take a step back. “People work hard all week and want to do something nice with their kids on the weekend and you ruined it for everyone because you can’t go anywhere without showing off!”

“I’m sorry, how can I make it up to you my Love?” He was pleading all but on bended knee for forgiveness.

“I’m NOT your Love! Just leave me alone. All I wanted to do was ice skate and take my mind off… oh nevermind!” Slamming my door shut on his pleading ramblings.

*******

‘For heaven’s sake,’ I sneered in my head. It seemed I couldn’t even read in peace in my own room without the blathering sounds of those idiots. Muffled groans and the heavy stomping of boots echoed in the hallway outside headed towards Y/n’s room. I stuck my nose back in my book in the hopes of ignoring it, they’d be gone soon realizing Y/n wasn’t there. She was off galavanting with that idiot of a brother and the witch.

“I have NEVER been so embarrassed in my life!” Y/n’s angered growl made me lift my head towards the door.

Setting the book aside, I wandered curiously towards the door hearing my oaf of a brother and his whimpering apologies. She was truly mad scolding my brother, closing my eyes I pictured that delightfully fiery fury that flickered in her eyes when she was enraged. I could commiserate with her on that aspect, being embarrassed by Thor. How many times over the years that thundering idiot ruined many a thing in my lifetime.

I just wished I could have seen his face. I knew of his attraction towards her, as undeserving of her he was he still tried nearly daily when he was on Earth. Thor wanted her body and a moments fun, but she batted him away the way one does a fly.

“All I wanted to do was ice skate.” A wanted need hidden within her words no one but me ever heard.

So the Queen of my dreams had an unmet desire, I smirked as the thought planned itself out in my head. She was the closest thing I’ve had to a friend since I was a child and I wasn’t willing to let her go, especially not to the likes of those undeserving peasants. As the same as sharing a floor in this horrendous place, she was my mission partner, not that she ever needed my assistance. She was a sight to see, her fervor and passion while she fought. The furiosity and skill with any weapon that graced her fingers.

Almost all of her free time she spent with me willingly which still surprises me. Curling up in those velvety chairs near the fireplace in the library reading. My eyes would glance her way memorizing her features. Long lashes that batted like a feather in the wind as she blinked. The curve of her nose and her lips. The delicate softness of her hair tucked behind her ear as she turned the pages of her book. The hint of fear in her eyes when a character she’d attached herself to was in peril. The stray tears she wiped away when that character met an untimely death. She had absolutely no idea what she did to me in those tiny fleeting moments.

There were rare days after a mission gone terrible or something deeply troubled her. She’d knock sheepishly on my door and meekly ask me to read to her, not wanting to be alone. At first, I couldn’t fathom why she turned to me with all the others only an elevator ride away. Yet there she stood pleading with those big eyes so full of loneliness and despair.

She’d lay on my bed curling her body into mine, her arms eventually making their way around my torso holding tight. I could always feel her silent cries as I read. Over time I found the best way to soothe her was stroking her hair as I read. She’d stay sometimes for hours or until she fell asleep.

As much as I wanted to let her stay and sleep in my bed in her peaceful state, I would never allow it. My need to feel her in my arms at night was nothing more than a waking dream. I was here on Earth as redemption for my misdeeds, trying to right wrongs, but New York was an event I don’t know if I could ever wipe off of my conscience.

I had come close to harming her during my first attempt at stealing the Tesseract. Poised to strike her down as she tried to stop me, my mind addled and twisted by Thanos. Barton that constant thorn in my side pushed her out of the way and suffered instead, becoming my minion. To this day I cannot even forgive myself for what could have been. She shouldn’t even be capable of looking me in the eye and yet she does with a smile that skirts the edges of those pouty lips. The same smile she gives me each night before bidding me good night from across the hall.

Y/n was too good and pure for this world, for this line of work. It broke a part of her every single time she couldn’t save a life. She was the first in line to clear the rubble in the aftermath of where ever we’ve been sent, volunteering her time and strength to rebuild the broken. I admired her, and all she did. Some part of me thought she’d be the kind of woman my mother would have wanted for me. Frigga would have adored her compassion and drive, her thirst for life and knowledge. The desire to make the world a better place not for herself but for those that would come after her.

I knew I’d fallen in love with her when she succeeded in making me feel nervous with that first smile upon my return to Midgard. My heart would beat faster at the sound of her voice. Racing so quickly as if it was ready to beat out of my chest in her presence. I knew I loved her and would love her until the end of time itself when I felt the peace and calm sweep over me but none more so strong as when she was with me.

*********

My bathroom hot and steamy, condensation clung to anything and everything. Scents of rose and lilac filled the air, candles casting a warm glow in the darkened room. There was nothing but my music drowning out the bawling mess I’d become thinking about that man across the hall.

He was quiet, almost shy if I dared use that word to describe him. Loki kept to himself, for the most part, the others tolerated him with visible disdain and I hated that. Even knowing what he did since taking the Tesseract, Selvig and Clint were because of Thanos and his control, they blamed him. It didn’t matter that he’d proven himself time and time again, they still had a mistrust of him so I stepped up when they wouldn’t.

A few weeks after he arrived, I moved him from sharing Thor’s room into the empty room across from me. I told no one of my plans, I just did and Loki accepted it without a fuss, not even an eye roll. For days on end, he kept himself locked up behind that door in isolation only coming out late at night when the others were asleep.

It was heartbreaking to hear his door creak open every day at 2 a.m., he’d spent too much time alone in that prison cell in Asgard, he didn’t need to imprison himself here too. I followed him one night when I couldn’t take it anymore. He knew I was behind him by the subtle turn of his head hearing my bare feet on the tile floor.

The fireplace was already lit in the library and a book in his hand as he sat in one of the matching armchairs in front of the fire. His eyes darted up and met mine, a soft smile on his mouth before his eyes flickered towards the empty chair next to him. I didn’t push a conversation or force unwanted words upon him, I merely kept him company reading beside him so he knew he wasn’t alone. The nightly ritual continued until he broke the silence with a hushed apology.

“I’m sorry,” the sound was so quiet I thought it was my imagination until I felt the piercing stare of his eyes.

“What?” Wedging my thumb in the book marking my page, I turned in the chair to face him.

His eyes flickered between my own in silence but the way his forehead scrunched, the small twitch on the edge of his mouth. He watched me for the longest time before he spoke again. There were mountains of anguish and torment in those emeralds lit by the fire.

“I-I, Y/n… I don’t expect forgiveness but… I am truly sorry.”

He didn’t have to go into details, we both knew what he meant. I wanted to respond, to tell him I understood, but his eyes wouldn’t meet mine again for some days. He’d opened himself up, put himself out of his comfort zone. He still saw himself as the villain, but I could only see a man in need of compassion and love. In time during our nightly ritual he opened up letting out little bits of himself and I reveled in it.

I found him sarcastically charming and witty. He popped up whenever I needed a laugh and wouldn’t leave until I did annoying anyone in my surrounding area too. Whether he’d admit it or not especially how he felt over physical contact, I’d never felt so safe and content as I did in the midst of one of his rare hugs. I didn’t see how people could fawn over Thor in the presence of Loki.

Sure he was the God of Mischief and a smartass little shit, but he was attractive and humorous. You can have Thor’s muscles and tanned skin, the brash loudness of his voice, and that overconfident bravado. Loki was the one that filled my dreams, a fact that Nat felt the need to blab to the rest of the team. I never heard the end of and all of the reasons to stay away from, but that was all the more reason to spend time with him.

Sad people always try to make other people happy and that’s what I did with Loki, I knew how awful it felt to be alone and feel worthless. I formed an attachment towards him, an infatuation that turned to love, but I doubted the feeling would ever be returned. He was a god and I was … well, I was nothing but a blip in his existence.

*******

I could smell the hints of her bath outside her bedroom door, that simple yet heavenly intoxicating scent that would forever be associated with her. Even imprisoned in Asgard on rare late nights lying awake I’d catch a whiff, and her eyes would fill my dreams for nights on end. It was a sweet aroma that followed wherever she went, leaving a meadow of flowery scent in her wake. Two flowers that never lasted long, doomed to wilt when plucked from their stems but their smell stuck forever in your brain. They were delicate and soft but the rose, much like Y/n had thorns ready to poke the unsuspecting when they got too close. A reminder Thor found himself on the receiving end of numerous times.

She was a guarded woman and that was the most beautiful thing about her. She let me in even when I didn’t think I was worthy enough, not because she needed me. Y/n stopped needing people along time ago that much I could tell without her speaking. She let me in passed her highly build well-guarded towers because she wanted me there and that in all my years was the purest examples of love I’ve ever experienced.

She let me in long before I returned the favor, I don’t regret it not one bit, but I still doubt that I’m worth it. How could I ever expect that angel of a woman to love me as I did her? A monster does not merit even a glimpse of that soul, let alone that smile that set my heart on fire. I would forever be caught in a war inside myself between what I wanted and what I could never let myself have.

“Y/n,” I knocked calling out her name, hand poised on the handle to open the door if she responded.

“I’m in the bath Loki, can it wait?” She was trying her best to empty every ounce of sadness in her voice, even over her pitifully depressive music.

Nevermind that I was the God of Lies and Mischief. She lied to herself a lot, reassuring the others she was ‘fine’ when she wasn’t. The music failed to drown out the heartwrenching sobs as she cried herself to sleep at night. Why or what drove her to weep into her pillow each night I never figured out. I’d been on the cusp of invading her dreams if only to find out who needed to pay for her tears.

“I’m afraid not,” opening the door surveying her room. A pile of wet clothes outside her bathroom door including her boots and jacket. I had to resist the urge to smile as the heavy scent of rose and lilac slapped my face. “I heard you berating my brother and I came to check on you. Are you alright?” Crossing her bedroom I leaned against the wall next to her bathroom door.

“I’m fine,” she spoke again as if repeating the same words would change the outcome of that raging storm of emotions inside her. Perhaps enough was enough, she did seem content with me, what would it hurt to admit my desire to be with her?

“You’re lying Darling. Are you really attempting to lie… to the God of Lies?” I mused trying to keep my voice even.

If anyone could understand the feeling of pain it’d me, her nightly sorrows were the only thing it seemed she kept from me. Her groaning sigh signaling I was right at one point would have brought me a twinge of joy, only made that cursed muscle in my chest ache. Why did she cry so deeply each night and refused to acknowledge it each morning when she opened her door for me?

“Yes I’m lying, are you happy now?” She sounded flustered, the faint song of the water swirling down the drain echoed inside that tiny room.

The wet soles of her feet slapping aggravated against the tiled floor as she stepped out of the bath. How she managed to sound so adorable even in a fit of defiance was a mystery, never the less it made me chuckle hearing it. We were so much alike whether she noticed or not.

“I’ve never been 'happy’ as you say when you’re miserable, but I think I have a way to make you smile. Would you care to join me, Love?” That beautifully pained creature that she was stood on the other side of this flimsy door.

A flick of the wrist and the door would splinter into dust and I could console her. The compulsory need to open that door and pull her in close, sheathe her in my arms until every last bit of that wretched feeling left her had become overwhelming. Every day I saw that face, that smile, those eyes, I saw past what the others missed. The constant pretending that she was fine and happy when in truth she was furthest from that. She was stronger than I in that respect, how she made others blissfully happy while hiding her own misery. Why must she hide away like that? Why hold on tight to something that makes her cry?

“I’m not in the mood for games tonight Loki.” Her voice hushed behind that door but it couldn’t hide the sharp intake of her breath trying to calm herself.

“No games Love, I promise. I swear on Frigga’s name.” That was a name I never took in vain and I hoped she understood the seriousness in that promise.

The door slowly creaked open as she stepped out wrapped up in a fluffy black towel. Her hair still damp, droplets of water glistening as they slid down her exposed skin. Sinfully delicious she was. An angel that would make the Devil himself weep, and weep my heart did.

She’s been crying, the blatant obvious redness rimmed around her eyes, the salty trail still prominent from where the tears slid down her cheek. I snapped my fingers draping her in her favorite jeans and that bloody awful Doctor Who t-shirt. Time Lord indeed, more like a meddlesome oaf. I took her hand in mind offering her a smile before she could protest we were outside. Her eyes widened in awe making me chuckle, she loved teleporting. She said once it was better than a rollercoaster, whatever that meant, but it made that stunning smile rest for ages on those lips.

Her head lifted towards the stars glittering in the night sky, the full moon shining brightly upon her. It took her a moment and a gust of wind to notice the soft furs I’d bundled her in. A sly grin spread across her lips. Her fingers swept over it this way and that getting lost in the luxurious feel. She closed her eyes, humming, rubbing its softness against her exposed cheek. She’d never admit to wanting the finer things in life but she deserved them and more.

“Loki this is divine.” She giggled nuzzling herself inside the fur. “Is this the surprise a new coat and a view of the stars?”

“Hardly my Love.” I grinned watching her eyes full of wonder and curiosity as I snapped my fingers.

The ice was thick and smooth, the rink was rimmed by fiery braziers to light her way. My Queen wanted to ice skate and skate she shall. I stood back and watched her gleefully rushing out onto the ice. Around and around she went building up speed, jumping and leaping, spinning and twirling in circles so rapidly I found myself dizzy. I watched and listened to her laughter for hours.

*******

I hadn’t gone skating in years, a little rusty, but all the same, I hadn’t had this much fun in forever either. He watched me from the sidelines with the most beautiful smile. Loki had managed to pull off quite the surprise and he hadn’t asked for anything in return. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling watching him in awe.

“You’re staring,” he chuckled in that deeply seductive way he only did when he was relaxed. “Why are you staring at me like that Darling?”

“You my good sir, are very attractive especially when you smile like that.” I came to a stop at the edge of the ice in front of him grinning. “Therefore I will stare at you all I want.”

There was a moment of shocked confusion in his eyes. I’d come to the conclusion while in the bath earlier that I’d just tell him even if he didn’t feel the same, maybe I could lessen the weight I felt crushing me by admitting it. Better to rip off that bandaid and let it all out and if he didn’t feel the same, well then at least the awkwardness would eventually disappear.

All I needed was the courage to speak, but he made it so damned hard. Dressed in all black except a little glimmer of green and gold in his eyes, raven hair flowing in the winter breeze. Who in the hell gave him permission to exist being that damned handsome. His head tilted to the side sending a little smirk straight to my heart. The moronic beat of it threatening to give me away before my words could.

“Seeing you standing there with that look in your eyes,” he smirked wildly. “You remind me of something I read shortly after my return to Midgard.”

“Oh,” I giggled softly slowly skating backward pulling him out on the ice with me. Troubled at how easy I found myself lost in those emerald eyes. “Do tell.” He was amusing me walking confidently on the ice with that enthralling smirk.

“ 'Aren’t you afraid of my darkness, my dear? Hades asked with mischief in his eyes. 'No’, Persephone replied, 'for you haven’t seen mine yet.’ ” There was reluctance in his eyes, a nervous shake in his hands. A cloud of doubt clung to him as if he shouldn’t have mentioned anything at all.

There were many versions of the story between Hades and Persephone, many tales of caution and warning, but more often than not it was a tale of love in the place people expected to find it the least. Hades believed he had to trick her into love because she wouldn’t freely give it, but I always thought given the chance she would have.

“Are you trying to trick me into marriage and spirit me away to the Underworld?” I chuckled teasingly trying to be funny, it was anything but.

He stopped following me, his hands slid out of mine falling limply at his sides and his eyes fell to the ice. The lighthearted atmosphere only moments ago fell cold and silent. There it was I thought, seeing the way he now held himself. The drop of his shoulders and darting of his eyes on the ground, I just ruined my own happiness by hurting him.

“Oh Loki, no, I didn’t… I didn’t mean it that way.” When I took a step toward him he held out his hand in warning still avoiding looking at me. That heaviness filled me again, I hurt him without even thinking.

“Perhaps this was a mistake, nothing I ever do will ever be seen as anything other than a trick or a scheme. I don’t know why I expected you to ever lov…” Even his voice had gone cold and rigid. “You my dear are very much a rose, a beauty to gaze upon but get too close and receive a sharp reminder of its thorns.” He disappeared in a cloud of green smoke.

“Loki!” I found myself crying into the empty wind. The fires, the ice, it all disappeared except for the coat. Running, always with the running instead of facing his emotions, as if I was any better.

******

“Nice coat,” Nat smiled reaching out from behind the bar to feel the silkiness.

“Didn’t know fur was in again.” Tony tsked in passing. “What would P.E.T.A. think seeing you in that?”

“Fuck off Stark,” I hissed in annoyance. Of course, they’d all be around the bar, it’s like that was the only place, anyone ever hung out in this damned place. “Has anyone seen Loki?” No one would answer making Thor snort interrupting my thought.

“Why are you wearing my brother’s coat?” A tiny hint of anger swelled in his eyes knocking back his drink in one gulp.

“I beg your pardon?” Glaring confused at Thor, my eyes narrowed. Why… why would Loki put me in his own jacket? Why the hell did he even need one, he didn’t mind the cold.

“That belongs to Loki. I remember when our mother gave it to him many years ago.” His eyes narrowed mimicking my reaction while reaching for more of his ale.

“I didn’t know, he … he put it on me… ice skating. I have to go.” I jogged out of the room toward the elevator.

*******

That hallway never felt as long of a walk from the elevator as it did right now. The lights dotted in the ceiling and along the walls were dim and flickering. The air was frigid and freezing, the foggy cloud as I exhaled hung in the air. I paced in front of his door before raising a shaky hand to knock.

“What?” His voice was stone, absent of anything but anger.

“Loki, please, may I speak with you?” My voice cracked, my heart heavily beating as I slid myself out of the coat. He cracked his door open just enough to see a greenish-red eye peering down at me.

“What do you want?” The iciness in those words made me shiver.

“I wanted to return your coat.” I held it up towards him but I couldn’t look him in his eyes. I never meant to hurt him, I was only teasing. I didn’t think he’d take it to heart like that.

“Keep it, it’ll only be a reminder… I don’t want it.” If words were ice his would have shattered on the floor as they left his mouth.

“I can’t keep this, Frigga gave it to you.” I felt as if I was standing in the middle of a snowstorm, goosebumps fanned themselves over me making me quiver in a tiny shake.

“Who told you…,” he sighed opening the door wider showing the reason for the cold. His skin was still tinted blue, his chest heaving coming down from a Jotun filled rage. His room was freezing, furniture destroyed in pieces shattered around the floor, snowflakes flittered down from the ceiling. “Of course that idiot would tell you.” He sighed annoyed leaning against the door frame.

“I was only making a joke Loki,” dropping the coat over his outstretched arm. “As much as you don’t believe it, I know you wouldn’t… nevermind. I-I’m sorry, I won’t bother you again.” I turned and stepped across the hall towards my door.

“Why do you waste your precious mortal life with a monster?” I hadn’t heard that quiet hushed voice since that apology in the library.

“I’ve never wasted my time with a monster,” my body trembled answering him, hand poised on the doorknob. Just a simple turn and push and I would let myself cry one more night before letting him go. Clearly the feelings would never be the same.

“You’re hiding from him right now. Is he the reason you cry yourself to sleep?” Why did his voice have to be coated in honey when he spoke? I let my head fall forward against the door in shame. Of course, he would have heard me each night.

“I’ve never cried for the monster, but for the man inside.” I wasn’t sure what else to say or why he even cared.

“Why?” How could one tiny word hold so much pain? “Please, no lies.”

“Because of love.” Whispered words stuck in the back of my throat, the sting of salty tears welling up ready to spill over.

“Love? For a monster?” His honeyed words and silver tongue had gone, nothing left but numbness.

“Love for the man, compassion for the monster he believes he is.” I could feel the hiccup creeping up pushing with it the sob that would give me away. "Despite the past, he deserves to be loved, doesn’t he?“

“Compassion? After all the things I’ve done, I don’t deserve compassion.” All emotion void from his words.

The sound of his door slamming closed echoed down the hall. The tears spilled and splashed on the floor. I could only stand there with my head against the door too paralyzed to open it. If I opened that door I’d have to force myself to let him go. No matter how much I tried he’d never believe he was changed, he’d never believe he could be loved.

He was different, he did wonderfull fantastically great things. He saved people, fought beside me giving those who couldn’t fight back a chance so why wouldn’t he fight for himself? I walked away without looking back, I couldn’t let him go. I shook my head realizing that nothing in all of time and space no matter how I tried would ever stop me from loving him. He wasn’t the monster, I was for hiding my love for far too long.

********

Leaning against the door my eyes closed disgusted with myself hearing her tears hit the floor. I’d never despised myself more than I did now. I wanted her, needed her and yet I wouldn’t let myself have her. I’d committed too many wrongs, too many crimes to ever warrant her in my life and yet I’d just committed another; I left her alone and crying because I couldn’t handle these overwhelming and highly complicated emotions. Blast these cursed things, nothing was ever simple.

Scanning my room seeing the carnage of my hatred for myself. This wasn’t what I meant to be, but here I was. Brought down by the heart of a mortal, and my misery in denial she’d love me.

'Love for the man’ she said. How could she love this? I stared at myself in the mirror across the room. How could she smile looking at this mess? I stood lost in thought yearning for those nights in the library, those soft smiles, and gentle touches. Realization struck and hard, she’d been crying… nightly… over me and I just closed the door on her out of hate for myself. She all but said 'I love you’ directly and I ran like I always do.

********

The heaters on the balcony buzzing in a strange rhythm, the howl of the wind smacking against the build. Mother Nature seemed to commiserate with me. Even the stars somehow seemed dulled and drab. He ran, I can’t believe he ran. He turned and left instead of … I’m not even sure anymore. I stood huddled in a blanket leaning again the railing looking up at the stars.

“Was I wrong to fall in love with him? Is it so terrible to want to make him happy? To show him what he’d been missing, what he should have had in the first place. Would being loved by me be so awful?” I screamed the rage into the wind.

The music came from nowhere making me spin on the spot finding Loki standing behind me. He looked worse for wear, I opened my mouth to speak only to be met with his index finger on my lips. Julia Michael’s Issues, the song I cried to at night wafting around us on the snow balcony.

_**I’m jealous, I’m overzealous** _

_**When I’m down I get real down** _

_**When I’m high I don’t come down** _

_**I get angry, baby, believe me** _

_**I could love you just like that** _

**_And I can leave you just as fast_ **

****

_**But you don’t, judge me** _

_**'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too** _

_**No you don’t, judge me** _

_**'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too** _

__

He looked like I felt, broken and afraid. His thumb swept the stray tear away and pulled me into his chest. Shaky arms engulfed around me, fingers gripping tight. The sigh that left his mouth said more than words, he was just as scared as I was. Too afraid to believe it possible.

**_'Cause I got issues, but you got 'em too_ **

_**So give 'em all to me and I’ll give mine to you** _

**_Bask in the glory, of all our problems_ **

_**'Cause we got the kind of love it takes to solve 'em** _

_**Yeah, I got issues** _

_**And one of them is how bad I need you** _

__

He swayed us side to side in comfort, feeling the shudder from within me, the flood he knew would follow. On instinct his fingers dove into my hair, tangling and weaving their way through it over and over.

_**You do shit on purpose** _

_**You get mad and you break things** _

**_Feel bad, try to fix things_ **

**_But you’re perfect, poorly wired circuit_ **

**_And got hands like an ocean_ **

_**Push you out, pull you back in** _

__

**_'Cause you don’t, judge me_ **

_**'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too** _

_**No you don’t, judge me** _

_**'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too** _

__

The thump of his heart banging away in his chest only quickened each time I attempted to hold him tighter. Locking my arms over themselves behind his back only made him sigh again.

**_'Cause I got issues, but you got 'em too_ **

_**So give 'em all to me and I’ll give mine to you** _

**_Bask in the glory, of all our problems_ **

_**'Cause we got the kind of love it takes to solve 'em** _

_**Yeah, I got issues** _

_**And one of them is how bad I need you** _

__

We stood in silence long after the song had ended, clutching ahold of each other as if the other would disappear. His heart vibrating in his chest as rapidly as mine. I closed my eyes adjusting my head in the crook of his neck at the feel of his fingers dancing through my hair.

“You make me feel,” he whispered. “You. Make. Me. Feel. It’s terrifying how deeply you affect me and how much I fight against myself to accept it. I don’t want to feel, but I don’t want to feel anything but you.”

“Feeling love for someone is far better than feeling unworthy of it,” I don’t know how else I could have explained it. I could see his heartbeat thumping in the artery in his neck.

“Does it ever stop being painful?” He sounded so hopeful.

“Yeah, but even then there are moments of pain. The pain when they get hurt or when they’re going through something you can’t prevent. The pain of missing them when they’re far away, but most of the time it’s beautiful. If it’s not a little painful sometimes then it didn’t really mean anything. The things that mean the most to us can hurt the worst, but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth a shot.” Christ, I sounded like a fortune cookie.

“Then that explains why I feel as if I’m dying right now.” Those words had me pulling away from him to gaze into those pained eyes. "The pain that I caused you denying love made you weep yourself to sleep.“

"Love isn’t always like this I promise you. All I wanted was for you to see you the way I do. You recited something earlier about Persephone and Hades.”

“Indeed I did.” Weary confusion in his voice.

“Persephone said to Hades, 'You are the kindest thing that ever happened to me, even if that is not how our tale is told. When everyone else told me I was destined to be a forgotten nymph that nurtured flowers and turn meadows gold, you saw the ichor that resides in me demanded it’s own throne. You showed me how a love like ours can turn even the darkest, coldest realm into the happiest of homes.’ ”

He could only blink with wide eyes staring down at me.

“Let me show you love Loki.” I placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

His eyes closed with the touch of mine to his, the hand in my hair rested on the back of my neck. A soft moan rumbled in his chest the longer we kissed. Sweet and soft, lingering tingles of electricity still striking after pulling away. His bright wide emeralds peering down at me as he smiled.

“I want more than your body Love.” A momentary furrow in his brows that made me chuckle in laughter.

“Sex isn’t love Loki and that’s where the rest of them get confused,” I nodded my head toward the living room behind us seeing the glares and shocked looks watching us. “Sex is an intimate act, best offered while in love, but it’s not the same as love.”

“Will you show me… love?” The endearing little smile that crept over his mouth, the sweep of his thumb on the back of my neck.

A snap of his fingers and we stood in the middle of my room, he smiled watching me rush around straightening my mess and searching my bookshelf. Laughed confused when I kicked my shoes across the room as they bounced off the wall and ran into my bathroom only to come out in pajamas. He stood utterly baffled when I slid under the covers of my bed and patted the empty side next to me as I pulled the blanket down.

“But you said…” he muttered softly.

“I know what I said, just trust me,” offering a smile to sooth his doubts. “I’m going to cover my eyes, change yourself into something comfortable.”

He stood mystified tilting his head watching me cover my face with my hands. His chuckle filled the room seeing my eyes peek at him between my fingers. Shaking his head laughing he snapped his fingers appearing in a black t-shirt and flannel pajama pants. He rolled his eyes at my smile as he made himself comfortable next to me. I held out my arm making him sigh, but he moved closer resting his head on my chest. I did as he always did for me, I played with is raven hair and I read.

I read to him of Hades and Persephone, Cleopatra and Marc Anthony, the tragedy of Tristan and Isolde, Odysseus and Penelope, Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. He smiled fondly listening intently while he held me as I did him, his arms snug around my waist. He often stopped me asking questions of why the characters did what they did.

When I could hardly keep my eyes open and the early dawn rays of the sun were poking through the windows, I set the book aside and held him equally as tight. Sighing contently feeling that weight all but gone. I glanced down to see his eyes closed and a tiny smile on his lips. He was peaceful, didn’t even stir when I kissed his forehead though the smile widened.

“So this is love?” He mused with a tired grin.

“My kind of love yeah,” the quieted laugh made his head bounce on my chest. He only nestled in closer, draping a leg over mine. “Books and fires, cuddling under blankets well past noon, sleepy smiles, late nights recounting the little things I adore and random conversations and best of all keeping you close so you never forget you are loved.”

“Then I look forward to more and lavishing you with it myself.” He rolled himself on his back pulling me with him, his arms locked tight holding me close. 'If this is love, then she’ll want for nothing more,’ he thought to himself.


End file.
